Hope & Quill Co.

We live in such a fast-paced society where finding time to sit down with a friend for a cup of coffee often gets pushed to the bottom of our priority list. We all have used the excuse “I’m so busy.” But if we are not careful, we can get to a point where “too busy” becomes an easy way to neglect those we call friends.

Real talk for a minute.

As someone who once struggled with social anxiety, I often avoided reaching out to friends or new peers to grab that coffee or meet for lunch. The hold up was often fear of rejection or fear that my invitation would be an inconvenience that they would feel obligated to accept without really wanting to.

These real anxieties are exactly what Satan wants us to think. He wants us to believe no one wants to be around us and that no one can spare the time. Thankfully, he is a liar, so let’s take comfort in that.

We are created to be social beings. We need regular social interactions to thrive and grow. Afterall, how can iron sharpen iron if we are the only “iron bar” we ever see? (Proverbs 27:17)

I came to realize that those I would hesitate to ask out for that cup of coffee were just as eager to go out as I was. Maybe they were struggling with social anxiety too, or maybe they truly were busy. Either way, no one has ever gotten an invitation to somewhere and thought, “how dare they ask me.” Often, with someone else’s initiation, we feel obliged to clear a spot on our busy calendars.

Let’s not wait on someone else.

I am as guilty as the next to adopt the mindset of, “well if they want to hang out, they can reach out.” This mindset can be so toxic because the focus is inward. Our focus becomes, “if I matter, they will act.” In reality, most people simply get busy. Rarely does it result in them trying to avoid you.

When these feelings manifest, take the opportunity to reach out and be a friend to someone instead of taking an inward focus. Maybe it’s not someone we’re well acquainted with. What better way to become well acquainted than to extend the hand of friendship?

I have had people in my life who extended that hand in a time where I mentally could not. I felt incredibly insecure and truly believed that no one wanted to be my friend. It is these peoples’ kindness that saved my life in many ways.

Because we live in such a busy world, it is often easy to get down and to a point where we feel alone. We convince ourselves that no one cares, but that is simply untrue. Again, this mindset is inward; avoid this.

What has helped me is to think back to those times when I felt so alone and that one friend reached out to grab lunch, and how thankful I was for the invite. I did not care if it was a long-time friend, or someone I had only known a few months. The invitation gave me hope. So, in remembering these times, I think how there must be others who deal with the same anxieties, the same loneliness. And that gives me courage to reach out and be a friend to someone else.

Are we being the kind of friend we would want to have in someone?

Once in a counselling session, where I divulged my concern of how others were treating me, the counselor asked me if I considered the quality of friendship I gave of myself to others. This question honestly annoyed me at the time because I felt like I was the one hurting. But this question changed my outlook on my friendships then and since then.

Here are a few questions I regularly ask myself and try to be aware of when thinking on my friendships:

• Do I regularly check up on my friends? Or do I wait for them to reach out? If I am always waiting for the other party to check up on me, I can hardly call that a friendship. True friendship is a two-way street. This does not give us an excuse to always wait for our friend to initiate conversations or lunch dates. It is a challenge to reach out.

• When out with a friend, do I start the conversation with questions about their life and their concerns? Or do I immediately jump into my own cares? I have been guilty of this many times as a younger person. I say younger, because as we grow up, we get used to adults asking us about ourselves. What grade are you in? Where do you want to go to college? What is your career path? While this is normal, these interactions do not teach us how to take interest in others. The focus is always on us.

As I have transitioned into adulthood (and yes, it is a transition), I have tried to be more conscious of taking interest in others. Not just because it is polite, but because part of caring for others is taking a genuine interest in their lives.

Let us follow in Christ’s example of friendship as we walk through life.

Jesus tells us in John 15:12-13, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

Throughout His life, Christ showed us the true meaning of friendship as He cared for those He met and journeyed with. Whether it was the publicans and sinners, or Judas who betrayed Him, Jesus always dealt with them in love. In the end, he loved them (and us) so much that He gave His life for them.

What a great example this is to us. Not to say that we should put ourselves in danger to die for our friends. But sometimes we will have to die to ourselves to overcome obstacles in our friendships. Meaning we may need to bite our tongues from time to time. This does not mean we compromise truth, but kindness is not compromising.

Let us be a friend to others, that they may see Christ in us.